I Told You Not To Click It!
by PyroTalons
Summary: L's annoyed, Light's bored, Matsuda's hand-cuffed to a couch...Add in a magic button and all sorts of wonderful chaos begins! Crackfic!
1. When Crazy Fangirls Attack!

**Okay. okay. I know I should be working on 'A Cup of Tea', but I wrote this out at 3 in the morning a few nights ago and HAD to post it. Also, I'm having alot of trouble with the next chapter for my other story. :D A huge thanks goes out to Chocolate Pencil, who read this first! **

**WARNINGS: Craziness, possible OOC-ness! But this IS a crackfic...**

**Disclaimer: Shoot, Noel isn't here to do it...I guess I have to. I DON'T OWN DEATH NOTE!**

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><p>"Ryuuzaki, I'm bored." Light 'I'm-a-gay' poked the detective he was chained to's shoulder.<p>

"Then why don't you go find something to DO, Light-kun?" L asked through gritted teeth. The computers in the monitor room had been the only ones to bare witness to Light's consistent complaints of being bored, as the rest of the Task force was scattered around the building asleep. Surprisingly, it was actually starting to get on L's nerves.

"...Fine" Light pouted, turning back to his computer. After several minutes of random web-surfing, he found something of interest."Oh, what's this?"

L immediately detected his excited tone and spun in his chair to see what his 'friend' was up to. Knowing L, he probably wanted it to be something he could use to prove Light was Kira, but sadly...The hell?

"Light-kun." Pausing, he stared at Light's monitor screen. "...Why does your chosen site have a large red dot in the middle and nothing else? ...28%...for choosing such a dull site..." The last part was more for himself, but the brunet still heard.

"I'm not Kira! And this isn't boring!" He huffed, angrily crossing his arms.

"This is about as amusing as watching paint dry. Or watching Matsuda watch paint dry."

"Ryuuzaki, this isn't a mere simple red dot." Stopping in the middle for dramatic effect, Light smirked. "This," he announced proudly, "Is a MAGIC BUTTON!"

". . ." L stared blankly before fingering his lip. "32%, Light-kun." Turning back to his own computer and blatantly ignoring the teens protests, he returned to another case he was working on. Apparently, some Tsume person had carebears exploded all over her office and no idea why...

"Fine! But you won't be a non-believer when I click this and something super special awesome happens!"

"Whatever happens, it's going to be the exact opposite of 'super special awesome'. Whatever that is..."Just as the investigator decided to take up finding the opposite of super special awesome as his next case(no doubt rivaling the Kira investigation in difficulty) and the auburn-haired teen determined that he HAD to show L wrong by pushing the button, something extremely random happened.

Matsuda walked in hand-cuffed to a couch.

"Hey guys, what's ha-" Matsui was cut off by Light shouting "CLICK!" and simultaneously clicking the big button. For a few seconds, everything was silent, with a confused Matsuda standing in the doorway.

"I told you it wouldn't work." L smugly murmured, but before Light could respond with something along the lines of a 'You never said that' a giant hole suddenly ripped open in the floor! It sent our heroes(And the couch and Matsuda) plummeting into the seventh circle of hell and to their deaths!

...Okay, not really. But hell was close enough. They were, in fact, sent to- FORKS, WASHINGTON! Home of the sparkly stalker faeries!

Matsuda was lucky enough to have fallen on the couch he was currently attached to instead of the hard forest floor. Light, on the other hand, was unlucky enough not to only to land on the rough turf, but then have L smash into him and send them both into a EXTREMELY awkward position.

"L AND LIGHT YAOI!" A stampede of insane LxL fangirls attacked!

"WHAT? Matsuda yelled. "Ryuuzaki and Light make a terrible couple! They can barely stand each other!"

"Shun the non-believer!"

"SHUUUUUN!"

The insane fangirls went into an uproar!

L and Light fled!

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><p><strong>So? Comments? Reviews? If you get ANY of these references, you get a virtual cookie! And remember: every review you send helps convince me to save an innocent Matsuda from the crazed yaoi fangirls. Don't you want to help a Matsuda in need? xD Until next time! Au revoir!<strong>


	2. Hey Look, That Guy's Sparkling!

**Holy Kira. 10 review on one chapter? I'm speechless!**

**Noel: But in a good way!**

**Me: Yea! Seriously, you have no idea how happy that makes me! And for those of you that caught the references (I think everybody did) congrats! I did a Charlie the Unicorn reference, several YGOTAS and yes, that was a pokemon one at the end. I'm a pokenerd, what can I say?**

**Noel: You can say the disclaimer.**

**Me: No, that's your job. Although I WILL say this: I IS NOT BASHING ANYONE! And prepare for OOC-ness. That is all. :3**

**Noel: *sigh* I'm really just to tired to argue with you right now... Stormy doesn't claim ownership to Death Note, Twilight, or anything else that made an apperance in here but I'm just too lazy to say. She only owns the way all this crap was thrown togethor in this random fanfic. And possibly a soul. We're still trying to sort that out.**

**Me: Some random kid at my FSU field trip made a soul-less ginger joke...So me and the French Horn player(even though I play Alto Sax xD ) who 'adopted' me as her Freshmen are debating on whether we're soul-less or not. I am 99% sure we aren't!**

**Noel: Mhmm-hmmm. Ignore the soul-less ginger(Me: Hey! I have a soul!), and enjoy ITUN2CI! chapter 2!**

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><p>"You think...You think we lost them?" Light gasped, clutching his chest as the two boysmen staggered through the forest.

"I hope so..." L muttered, shivering slightly at the memory of the fangirl-attack. They slowed down, walking quietly so as to not attract any more unwanted attention.

"Hey," Light said, something just occurring to him. "You think Matsuda's okay?"

"...Who cares?"

~Meanwhile with Matsuda~

"MOOOOOOOOMMY!" The grown man cried, dashing through the trees with a half bitten-off chain trailing behind him. The yaoi fans followed the clinking pieces of metal, still yowling like a group of angry cats. Angry cats that wished to claw his eyes out. Crashing through the brush, Matsu found himself in a rather nice meadow-which was already occupied by some plain-Jane and a really pale dude. But he didn't exactly have time to investigate!

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" He screamed, dashing and jumping over the couple. Wait, was that dude sparkling? Distracted by Mr. Sparklypaledude, Matsuda stopped to stare. So did the fangirls(lucky for him).

"OMG, it's Edward Cullen!" One screeched. "The vampire that's, like, totally in love with the hot werewolf Jacob!" Deafening squeals emitted from all around, while a look of horror crossed the so-called vampire's face.

"WHAT?" Shrieked the plain-Jane. "You actually WERE sleeping with Jacob?"

"No Bella, it's not like that-" Edward was cut off as he desperately tried to explain.

"LIEEEEEEES!"

"SHUN! SHUUUUUUUUUUUN!"

Matsuda darted off, he certainly wasn't getting anywhere NEAR involved in this again! He might not make it out intact!

~Somewhere with L & Light~

"C'mon L!" Light snapped as he irritably dragged his 20-something year old rival through the dirt.

"My brain...requires sweets...to function..." L gasped.

"I TOLD you your addiction to sweets would catch up to you someday!" Light sounded half angry, half smug.

"...98%...Kira-kun..."

"I AM NOT KIRA!"

"...Right...And the cake..._isn't_ a lie..." Their bickering was interrupted by shouting.

"HEY! HEY YOU!" Somebody called from behind them. L and Light spun around, afraid for their lives in case it was another fan. A random shirtless guy with reddish-brown hair jogged up to them, panting slightly.

"Uh, yes?" Light asked suspiciously. He had too much experience with fanboys not to be.

"You guys seen some dude that sparkles with a brown-haired girl around?"

"No, we have not," L responded, indifferent to the entire situation. "But have you possibly seen a brunet chained to a couch by any chance?"

"Well," the un-named man scratched his chin, "I did happen to see a half-eaten couch on the way here, if that helps."

"..._Eaten_?" The chained rivals cried, looking at each other in some horror.

"He was a...good man." Light finally said solemnly.

"He was an idiot who got devoured by fangirls," L corrected him. "What I want to know, is who's going to make me coffee when we get back to Japan."

~Back at HQ~

"Chief!" Soichiro Yagami looked up from the odd, almost magazine-sized, papers he was reading. They had 'KIRA INVESTIGATION DATA' labeled in red bold letters. Frowning at the afro that was his coworker, Yagami put down his papers.

"What is it Afro? I am trying to read po-I mean, I'm going over the data we've gotten since starting the Kira Investigation. What could possibly be so important as to interrupt?"

"Ryuuzaki, Light, and Matsuda are all missing!"

"What?" Soichiro threw his hands up dramatically, making up for his very un-epic shocking expression. "We must find L and Light immediately!"

"What about Matsuda?"

"Who?"

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><p><strong>I am having WAY too much fun messing with Matsuda...<strong>

**Noel: Yes. Yes you are. **

**Me: Now I'd like to thank everybody who reviewed; RiverTear980, HarryPotterMangaGleek, Exploding albino potato, icywarm, Chocolate Pencil, wingfire24, and Unleash Your Inner Pervert. You guys rock!**

**Noel: And if she doesn't mention you here, don't feel unloved. Stormy only addresses stuff she feels the need to.**

**Unleash your Inner Pervert: Heeeeeere's the update! Ta-da! I think the first chapter came out better, though. YAYS FOR FRENCH! I've just started French in my High School, and it's really fun to speak. I haven't learned a whole lot yet, but finals are in January so I'm understanding more and more everyday. Eeep...mid-terms are next month.**

**HarryPotterMangaGleek: Edward Cullen turned into a farie the moment Stephenie Meyers decided not to give him fangs, to have him sparkle in sunlight, and to live in the forest. I refuse to accept that as a vampire! Poor guy, turned into a farie by his own author.**


	3. The Multiplying Misas

**I'm sorry guys...I just haven't been in the writing kinda mood lately. BUT, dragging my sorry self back togethor with many scoldings from Noel, I managed to piece this up. I'm sorry if it sucks...**

**Noel: Ignoring Stormy's pity-fest over there, we do not claim ownership, blah, blah, blah, please enjoy ITUN2CI! chapter 3.**

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><p>In a simply faaaabulous pink room at the Kira Invesigation HQ, part-time Kira Misa Amane stood pouting in front of a mirror.<p>

"Why doesn't Light come visit anymore?" She whined to nobody in particular (not that anyone would have listened), making faces at her reflection. "Misa-Misa is so bored!" Sighing, the pop-idol ran over and threw herself onto her bed, only to smash her face into the laptop she'd left there.

"Owwwwwww!" She cried, clutching her nose. Giving the computer a glare, Misa wondered if Kira could kill electronics. Probably not, but it would certainly explain why the Taskforce's Xbox 360 had died while L had been kicking Light's butt on Mario Kart. Sighing dramatically, the sluttily-dressed blond opened her Mac™, starting it up. A screen mysteriously popped up, with only a large red button occupying the middle.

"Ugh! Another virus pop-up?" Misa complained loudly, peering at the screen. Something at the bottom caught her eye.

Light would want you to do it.

~Back with L & Light and the still unnamed shirt-less guy~

"So let me get this straight; you're a suspect for some 'greatest killer ever' I've never even HEARD of, and you're the world's greatest detective? Better even then Scooby Doo?"

"Well you can't say much, you're the one who expects to believe you're a werewolf, Jacob-san." L gave Mr. Shirtless—whose name was apparently Jacob—A dead look. "And I do pride myself in being a better detective then a fictional dog who can't articulate right."

"Hey!" A bush next to them exclaimed angrily. "Don't diss the dog! That's where I learned everything about investigating I know!" The trio turned to the bush.

"…Don't tell me there are talking bushes here too…" Light muttered darkly under his breath. A familiar head popped out of the talking plant.

"Hey Ryuuzaki, hey Light!" Matsuda grinned at the companions, stepping out of his hiding place. "Boy, am I glad I found you guys!" The three just stared at him. L gave Light a quick look.

"Do we know you?" L asked, cocking his head to the side.

"Of course you know me! It's me, Matsuda! Remember?"

"Hmm…No, I'm afraid I cannot." L deadpanned. Shedding tears in ways only anime characters can, Matsuda ran off into the wilderness, sobbing loudly.

"Do I want to know?" Jacob asked.

"No. You do not." L tugged on the chain, beginning to drag Light. "We must be off. Good day Jacob-san." The dynamic duo began their long trek to nowhere in particular, just away from the fangirls and Matsuda, when suddenly a milk-curdling scream filled the air. A blur of orange ran past them, crashing through the trees while shouting incomprehensibly.

"Ryuuzaki…"

"Yes Light-kun?"

"…Was that a blonde woman wearing a prison jumpsuit…?"

"…It would appear so Light-kun." Both stared in the direction she had gone in before continuing on their way.

"I had thought it was Misa for a second." Light muttered, "Until I realized she wasn't wearing pigtails." Somewhere something like a gong sounded and suddenly yet another scream filled the air, this one straight from Light's worst nightmares.

"LIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!" Dropping out of the trees like a ninja, Misa glomped Light from above. "I missed you soooooo much!" Another shriek (what was with all the yelling?) came from behind a really big rock.

"Hey! Leave my Light alone!" Misa shouted from behind the rock. Wait a minute…Light and L looked frantically at the two glaring identical Misas.

"There's TWO?" The brunet asked, horrified.

"WEEEEEEEE!" A third Misa yelled, swinging in from a branch. "Hey, you two look familiar!" She greeted her clones. L stared at the triplets, his eyes wider than usual.

"Hey look, Hideki Ryuuga." He said, pointing off somewhere into the brush. With identical "Hideki, where?" the blondes turned, only to look back and see a poof-cloud where the boys/men had just stood.

"LIIIIIIIIGHT!"

~With the ever-lovable Matsuda~

The poor officer had finally found a road. Exhausted, he sat on the edge.

"Man…I wish I could just get a ride to town or something…" Matsu complained. "Then maybe something would go right!" Random black clouds suddenly appeared in the once-blue sky and thundered ominously. A small tinkling song and the sound of wheels not too far off caught his attention. Turning a corner, a brightly colored van with shaded windows came barreling down the road. "Hey, an ice cream truck!" He cried, jumping up and waving it down. "Maybe my luck HAS changed after all!" The truck slowed to a halt, it's windows gently unfurling.

"Hey, could you give me a ride?" He asked, peering into the dark insides of the van. There was a flash of red, that then vanished.

"Sure…why not? I'm looking for someone else, but…" A soft voice whispered inside. "Here, get in through the back…" The back of the van opened up.

"Gee thanks!" Matsuda got in through the back. "Wow, it's really dark in he-AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Yay, another scream.

~With the insomniac detective and his boyfr-I mean, suspect~

Another run later, the guys found themselves at the edge of a cliff.

"The sea looks pretty stormy from here." Light observed as thunder boomed ominously above. L looked at the sky.

"And that's the second time in five minutes the sky's boomed like that." As soon as the investigator said that, the ground began shaking.

"E-earthquake?" Light shouted, trying to maintain his balance. Glancing at L he saw the older man's eyes transfixed in horror by the forest. Light struggled to look over there, but what he saw made him gasp in terror.

Misas. An army of completely identical, Light-fangirling MISAS. There must've been a thousand of them at least, all stampeding directly towards L and Light. The men mentioned both let out very un-manly screams, and Light uncharacteristically jumped into L's arms, scared for his life.

"WHAT DO WE DO?" He screamed at L.

"Jump?" L suggested, looking behind them at the stormy waters, then at the oncoming wave of Misas.

"Are you insane-?" Light managed to shout, before L turned and jumped off the cliff. "AHHHHHHHHH!"

In a dark corner of his mind, a small voice remarked on how at least he wouldn't end up gang-raped by crazy blond stalker girlfriend clones. He'd just end up drowning. That was the better option, between the two...

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><p><strong>Noel: ANYONE WHO CAN GUESS WHO THE BLOND IN THE JUMPSUIT IS GETS SOMETHING! We're not entirly sure WHAT yet, mind you, but something! Maybe a oneshot or mention in the story.<strong>

**Me: Here's your hint; she is NOT a character from an anime nor manga, she shares the same initials as L, and I am not 100% sure if her original hair color is BLOND or BROWN. Also, if you're not American you might not know who she is, as most of the publicity she gained was all up in mah home shizzle da USA! XD Haha. Lame gangster speak. O-O IDEA!**

**Noel: *facepalm***

**Me: Annnnnnnyways, I love you all who reviewed, happy Thanksgiving or if you don't celebrate that, happy Thursday, and, um yeah! :D If I don't update this in three days, I recommend you all start guilt-tripping me or spam my inbox, else this'll never move on...Bonsoir mes amis!**

**Noel: And, there's this awesome story Stormy's co-writing with Hanyou-Kyo and the first chapter's up, you should totally check it out. *hint hint nudge nudge* ;D Sayonara everybody!**


	4. Fear No 167

**Noel: I'm here to do the disclaimer! Alright, we don't own Death Note nor do we own 'Everybody Talks'. I am also happy to say that the winners of the 'Who was that orange woman in a jumpsuit?' question arrrrrrrrrrre...Gemini'sOrchid and Echos in my head! Congratulations! Send us a PM and tell us what you want as a prize! (Although I'm pretty sure Stormy frightened off the both of them with her excitment someone actually guessed correctly. *facepalms*)**

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><p>"If you…EVER…jump off a cliff with me again…I will kill you…"<p>

"4-40%, Light-kun…" The dynamic, dripping wet, duo was lying in the clearing where, unknowing to them, the fangirls had earlier torn through in a mad frenzy. After jumping off the cliff into the sea, they were horribly battered around, before being washed ashore. An unknown figure in the distance sent the boys/men running for the trees, for their life, and after nearly 15 minutes of running, they had no choice but to stop.

"That wasn't a threat R-Ryuuzaki—that was a promise…" Light gasped, still panting heavily. For several moments the two just laid there, attempting to catch their breath, which was currently out-running them by a mile.

"We need a plan." Light finally said, sitting up. "Someway to get back to Headquarters, preferably with Matsuda and—dare I say it?—Misa in tow." L sat up as well, staring at Light.

"…" L continued to stare.

"What?"

"…"

"Ryuuzaki? Hello?"

"…"

"I WILL KICK YOU IF YOU DO NOT STOP." This caused the investigator to blink, breaking his stare, which was causing Light to feel as though L was mentally undressing him and doing unmentionable things to him. He mentally shook himself. Those fangirls must be getting to him. He hoped.

"Light-kun…"

"Yes?" L paused, as though unsure of how to continue.

"There's a large green spider on your head."

"….AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

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><p>"Spin! Spinarak!" The green spider-like creature was now sitting happily in L's lap, nuzzling his arm while a traumatized Light sat curled up in the fetal position, as far away from L as the chain would allow.<p>

"Light-kun, it is clear this creature does not intend to harm you. He seems quite friendly, in fact."

"I don't care! Keep that THING away from me!" He eyed the green spider distrustfully, curling up tighter. It was much, MUCH bigger than a normal spider, with a lime-green coloring and bright red fangs. A single white horn was atop its head, and its black and white—seemingly soulless, to Light—eyes, happily stared up at L. And L, Light almost couldn't believe it, L, pet the animal, insect, whatever, as though it was a pet dog or cat.

"Does Light-kun have arachnophobia?" L asked, watching as the insect-thing crawled up his arm and settled comfortably on his shoulder. Light flinched, also watching.

"For the record, I do. It's an extremely common fear, so it's not completely unexpected for me to have it."

"I see…" L seemed to ponder that. "Well, Light-kun, I have an idea, responding to your earlier statement of us needing a plan. Why don't we attempt to find a road and head back to civilization? I'm now starting to wish we had asked Jacob-san for directions, but it cannot be helped." L stood up, and began to stroll through the forest, following a small path, forcibly dragging Light along.

"R-Ryuuzaki? You still have that thing on your arm!" Light cried.

"Hm? Of course Light-kun. He's coming with us." L looked quizzically at the brunet.

"WHAT? No! No, no, no, NO! I won't follow you if you have that monster on your arm!" Light stumbled back in horror, digging his feet into the dirt as L tried to continue drag him.

"I'm afraid, Light-kun, you have no choice in the matter. Maybe if he was to make further acquaintances with my friend…" A creepy smile began to tiptoe onto L's face. Putting his open hand to his shoulder, the spider crawled into it, and he used his other hand to thoughtfully pet him, as though he was an evil corporation owner and that was his fluffy pet cat. He took a step closer to Light, the smile growing.

"Oh no, NO, nonononono, L YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME OR GOD HELP ME—"

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><p>~Meanwhile, with the Taskforce~<p>

"Chief! Misa's gone missing too!" The afro reporting to him bobbed up and down in frustration. "We've searched everywhere, top to bottom, in the headquarters!" The chief nodded, tapping his folder to his chin.

"Hmmm. This…is a problem." He announced. Everyone looked at him expectantly. The afro he worked with, in hope, the Mogi he worked with, in some unknown emotion, and Watari, in total uninterest. "…Does anyone know how to fix it?"

Everyone in the room proceeded to facepalm at the Chief's lack of ideas.

"If Misa-san disappeared the same way Ryuuzaki and the young Yagami-san did, then if we review the recorded footage from her room Ryuuzaki has stashed in his closet, there should be evidence as to what happened." Watari said, his eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Mogi-san, Aizawa-san, please go fetch those. We will all take a certain amount of…" At this point, nobody was really listening anyway, and ran to do what they were told.

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><p>"U-um…Watari-san…I don't think this is footage from Misa's room."<p>

"…I entirely agree Yagami-san." Both men flinched at something on the television, a masculine yell tearing through the room from neither of the men. "What I want to know is what possessed the young Yagami-san and Ryuuzaki to…"

"When my son gets back, he is getting separated from L."

"Yes."

"And I am going to murder L."

"Completely fair, Yagami-san. But you'll be waiting in quite a line."

Watari reached over and shut the television off, mid-scream.

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><p>~With Matsuda—wherever he is~<p>

"Mmhp! Mmhmp!"

"Shut up." Matsuda felt himself being picked up by the back of his shirt and was thrown out of the van onto the hard dirt ground. He had been blindfolded and gagged, left in the backseat of the car as his unknown kidnapper happily hummed "Everybody Talks" by Neon Trees as he drove them…somewhere. Footsteps started towards the young police officer, menacing and suspenseful. Matsuda felt the gag taken out of his mouth, and started to cough.

"W-who are you? Where am I?" The voice chuckled deeply.

"My associate, the one you so foolishly asked for a car ride, prefers to be called B. As for I…You may call me…Alternative."

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><p><strong>I DON'T HAVE A LAPTOP PLEASE FORGIVE ME! *dodges brick thrown by random person* I'm SO SORRY I haven't updated this in, well, months. I can only access the mobile , so I have no way to post anything I write. Thank you for reading, or if you're a past reader, thank you for not being like, "THAT SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOOSE HASN'T POSTED ANYTHING IN MONTHS! I REJECT YOUR NEW CHAPTER!" Here! Have a cupcake! It's non-burnt AND virtual! I'll give you another if you review! ;D<strong>

**V**

**(Light would want you to do it.)**


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